What we do: the partners not agree for anal sex

Although it is still taboo for many, there has been a cultural change in regards to heterosexual anal sex. Young women report in therapy that they are increasingly being pressured to have anal sex from the beginning. And they are not the only ones: long-married women also listen to this request.

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Much of this new pressure is due to changes in pornography, which now usually presents anal sex in heterosexual scenes. Many men who watch pornography mistakenly believe that women have powerful orgasms through anal sex. Men tell me that they believe that women resist the act simply because they have not tried and do not know how much they would enjoy it.

Whatever the myths, here are some basic facts:

About 2% of women enjoy anal sex.
A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that up to 36% of women have tried it once.
Pain in anal sex is due to stretching of the muscle around the anus (sphincter) and a curve in the female rectum (the last section of the large intestine before the anus).
The months of slow introduction can often reduce or eliminate pain.

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Do some women enjoy it? Many women enjoy stimulating their anus even if they don’t want penetration. A small percentage of women, after going through a process of stretching the sphincter, like the feeling of fullness and enjoy repeated anal sex, and it could be that their partner’s enthusiastic sexual arousal also increases emotion.

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Why don’t women want to do it? I think women know if they want to try it or not, and if they can enjoy it. And they have the right to refuse it if they oppose. These are some of the reasons why women do not want to have anal sex:

Pain: it hurts and there is not enough pleasure to justify a new attempt, even if they have tried once. Actually, although there is nerve endings erotically loaded around the anus, very few women have an orgasm through anal sex.
Disorder: the staging in the erotic film industry often includes preparations that make anal sex seem less messy than it really could be. And in fact, anal sex is not sanitary. Anything that touches or penetrates the anus should not touch the vagina or vulva without washing with soap and water. Stool may harbor bacteria that could cause a vaginal or urinary tract infection.
Taboo: This area is often taught to children as prohibited because it is the place of exit of contaminated feces. Unconsciously, people can carry these strong emotional reactions on their anal region to adulthood, believing that the act of anal sex or anal stimulation is dirty. Some religions also prohibit anal sex. While it should not be necessary to say so, trust would be irreparably broken if a woman’s vulnerability is violated.

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Why do men want it?

Taboo: anything culturally or socially prohibited can increase sexual arousal.
Tighten: there is often the fantasy that the anus will be tighter than the vagina, thus producing more pleasure for him.
To please her: due to the strong influence of the pornographic industry, many men feel they are presenting a woman with great pleasure.

How do we resolve our differences?

Everyone has the right to say no to an act that is not attractive. We also have the right to desire what seems exciting or pleasurable. To handle the differences, I suggest that my patients first ask themselves open questions, such as:

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These questions can help each partner feel heard even if their differences do not allow a compromise. Of course, ultimately, a woman has the absolute right to say no to anal sex, but it is important that both couples feel respected and heard about the subject.