How to connect when your partner is being not interested

You talk, and your partner reacts defensively. Transmitting your concerns is like trying to send a message to a brick wall. Communication about any problem is impossible, creating a growing distance in your relationship. Still, you love them and you want the relationship to work. So how can you get through?

As you may have discovered on your own, you cannot force your partner to listen to you. Logic dictates that when pressing forward does not gain ground, it would be wise to stop pressing. Instead, try to connect with them first. Use the questions, directions and example below to help you answer this way.

What is your reaction to your partner’s defensive attitude? And how does this develop?

Carol sees that every time she expresses a different opinion from Daniel, he thinks she is being critical of him and attacks her. This enrages her and she tends to attack again. Before she realizes, they are in a total battle.

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What does the world look like through your partner’s eyes? What are your thoughts and feelings?

Ask your partner to describe your experience so you can fully understand it. Despite knowing that Daniel thinks she looks better than him, one night Carol decides to ask her more about her experience instead of arguing that it’s not true. He explained that he felt that she was humiliating him and that his tone was condescending. This made him angry.

Reflect what you have heard until your partner responds with some version of “Yes, that’s it.”

If you do not fully understand it or if your partner tells you that you do not fully understand it, request and be open to further clarification.

Carol had a hard time setting aside her own anger, but she could do it well enough to understand that her tone could send the wrong message. She told him this. He also said that, given his frequent doubts about himself (which he had shared with her), he could understand how he could see her basically in accordance with those doubts and also being condescending. When she expressed this, her angry expression changed. His face seemed less tense, his eyes seemed sad and he nodded slightly.

Focus on empathizing and expressing how it affects you to see your perspective.

Carol said she was sad to see how much it bothered him. I was also sad that he had so much doubt. The truth was that she had great respect for her opinions and abilities.

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Express how your partner’s response affects you.

Also, check if your partner understands your experience. Describe it more if necessary. If your partner becomes defensive, it may be helpful to validate again what they are saying before returning to their experience.

“Daniel, while I understand what you say, makes me feel pain and anger when you respond as you do. I’m also frustrated because it seems we can never solve or solve any problem. ”

Ask for the change you want, be as specific as possible. If you really work by listening to me and talking to me without being defensive, then I think we will feel closer. And I will definitely be happier.”

As you have noticed, in this approach to talk with your defensive partner, you start communicating in a way that helps them feel understood and emotionally safe. This will reduce their need to defend themselves, leaving them open to communicate more openly with you.

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