How to Let Your Partner Know That You Are Not In the Mood

For couples, And the “chicken or egg” relationship between sex and emotional connection may be different for each couple. For some people, the desire to be sexual arises as a result of feeling emotionally connected. But for others, perhaps because of their stories, physiology and attachment styles (their particular love map), being sexual is how they find their way to emotional vulnerability.

Often, in a relationship, a person seems to be designated as a sexual initiator, either by tradition, culture, gender or perhaps because that couple’s preferred way of seeking attention is through touch, affection and sex. When a couple takes the initiative in the sexual act of the couple, they most often suffer from intimate rejection. Starting sex requires so much taking risks and revealing oneself in a primitive need, that having an ignored or rejected sexual offer can be especially painful. Research shows that a positive response contributes strongly to a happy marriage and that a critical or absent response can cause serious damage to the relationship.

Every couple that starts sex expects a receptive and excited reaction from their lover. But sometimes the offer does not arrive at the right time or is not welcome given the mental state of a person or the state of the relationship. Fortunately, as long as we are honest, vulnerable and direct, we can refuse the offer without damaging our emotional attachment.

Here are three scenarios that illustrate a couple who rejects or ignores a sexual offer, along with some suggestions for handling the situation in a more conservative way of attachment:

After having lunch on a Sunday afternoon, Adam moves his eyebrows at his wife Sharon, suggesting a “nap” for them while their children are taking a nap. Feeling stressed after taking young children to church and having lunch, Sharon sighs and heads to the room.

Sharon could have honestly leveled with Adam about his true needs while still honoring the spirit of progress: “Honey, I’m afraid I’m exhausted and I need my own quiet time to recover in the morning before I can get confused with you. Can we take a real nap and then I will cool off before tonight together? ”

Lavonne appears behind Trevor after his afternoon shower while brushing his teeth and around his waist with his arms and says, “My man is a sexy man!”. . His anxiety comes out as an angry response “Lavonne, you wait too long!” And escapes from his hug.

Trevor could have contained his anxiety, remained vulnerable and turned to the overture of his wife with: “Well, why don’t you bathe, baby, while this hot man turns on some music?”

Carol snuggles close to her husband James early in the morning and kisses him on the neck. Without saying a word, James gets out of bed to go to the bathroom and then starts showering for his morning routine.

James, still angry at his night fight, was not ready to compensate even though he recognized Carol’s overture as an attempt to reconnect. Instead of completely ignoring Carol’s offer (and leaving him feeling completely rejected), James could have said directly: “I’m still upset about last night; I don’t want sex until we end that conversation.”

A sexual offer at the wrong time can make us feel uncomfortable. But, with a clear explanation about our needs and peace of mind about your convenience and our commitment to your sexual needs, we can turn to our partner.

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