Your pain is a reflection of your love

When you lose someone you love, the pain can be overwhelming. Although explanations alone can never be enough to calm the pain that destroys the soul, getting a better understanding of it can help you during the initial period of acute pain.

According to Dr. Mariana Katherine, founding director of the Center for Complicated Pain at Columbia University, “Pain is the form that love takes when someone we love dies.” She says that although affection continues, love becomes longing and sadness.

So, to understand pain, you must understand love. True love (in any form) fills you with a feeling of being completely accepted and worried about who you are in the background, as well as offering you a feeling of emotional warmth. From the psychological perspective known as attachment theory, the people we love are important to us in two basic ways. You can turn to them for your comfort and support when you are distressed, so they offer you a safe haven. You can also consider them as a secure base, offering encouragement while pursuing your interests and exploring the world. In addition to receiving love, people have an innate need to offer love.

Dr. Mariana Katherine that when someone you love dies, you are losing it, along with all the ways they are important to you. He loses them as a safe haven, so he can no longer turn to them for comfort and support. He loses them as a secure base, so he feels less supported in the exploration of the world, and this loss can cause him to lose his motivation to learn, grow and achieve goals. If you were a caregiver, the loss can make you feel ineffective in this role, perhaps even choking you with guilt for failing the person as a caregiver.

In general terms, pain is a reaction to loss, and everyone experiences it in their own way. You may experience acute pain, which may include having very strong emotions, such as sadness, pain, anger, guilt and anxiety. Unwanted thoughts about the person or their images may continue to come to your mind. You can also feel the pain physically in your body. And it can represent pain, like easily hitting people. However, over time, people generally find a place in their hearts for pain, so that pain also gives way to experiencing bittersweet emotions, comforting thoughts and being able to better enjoy the good things in life. It is important to note that grief is something you should not do alone, but it can be helpful to share it with others.

Some people derail from adapting to their loss, so they get trapped in their pain. This is called “complicated grief.” A very common obstacle to processing grief is trying to avoid, ignore or rewrite the reality of what happened. For example, a widow could think repeatedly if her husband would have lived longer if he had not left the day he died at home from a heart attack. Or, she could avoid going out to dinner with friends because her husband would have always gone with her. Another common obstacle is feeling that it is wrong to enjoy life or be excited about the future.

If you are struggling with the pain of pain, it is important to know that the pain takes time and that you will feel waves at unexpected moments. But if you think you are stuck in your pain or have a significant disability in your ability to overcome your days, seek the help of a professional trained in pain counseling.

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Topics: Grief and Loss, loss, dying, death, relationships